I've created this space in the internet world to talk about what it's like to be a mom without her babies. This is not an easy thing to do, none of the decisions I've ever made have been easy when it's come to my children. I don't think any parent can say that they make easy decisions about parenting, but most of us can say we only want what's best for our babies. Why have I chosen now to talk about this? Because I'm tired of dreaming about my babies and keeping them locked inside my head, I have to let it out or it will eat me alive. Nothing I'm doing is being taken lightly, there's a tremendous amount of guilt, fear, shame, and love that comes with this, but nonetheless, I have a story and I want to share it. My hope is that for anyone else who might be going through something similar, they will know they are not alone.
How does a mom not have her babies in her life everyday? That's a question that comes up quite often when I tell people that I have two children who don't live with me. The answer to that is I made the decision to allow their father's to raise them because I didn't think I was stable enough to do so. I didn't want my chaotic life to affect them the way that my mother's life had affected me. I thought I was protecting them, doing what was best for them, and thinking that once I was stable enough I could somehow get them back into my life in a more permanent way. I'm still trying to find that stability...which means that I haven't seen my son in over a year, it's been about 7 months since I've seen my daughter, and it's killing me to say that out loud.
How did I get to this place? Well, I made some decisions in 1998 that lead to me having a daughter with and marrying a man who didn't really love me, nor I him, and getting a divorce about a year and half after she was born. I tried to take care of her on my own for as long as I could, but in the end I had to ask for his help and well the rest is history now. In 2006 I had my son and became a stay at home mom for 3 years, and then that marriage fell apart. I again made the decision with a very heavy heart to try to get myself together and allowed my boy to stay with his dad. He is a good dad, just wasn't a husband for me. I left thinking I would be able to get back to my boy whenever I could, my plan was at least once a month or every other month, it hasn't worked out that way. I often ask myself if I made a mistake by not bringing him with me and making it work somehow...like I said I thought I was doing the right thing.
I have been ridiculed over my decisions for quite a while, been called selfish, and a terrible person/mother, and basically my family no longer speaks to me and I've lost friends because of it or because of who they think I am. I am not a bad person, I am not an evil person who cares only about myself, but because I chose to leave unhealthy relationships and not stick it out for the sake of my children, I'm judged and found guilty by those who can't put themselves in my shoes.
I realize that the pain I am in because I can't see my children is no one else's fault but my own. I'm fully aware that the only thing standing in my way in seeing my kids is me (and money). Truthfully the ONLY thing in my way is money. I simply do not have enough of it to travel to see them. So, I am stuck with my pictures, my memories, the phone, and my dreams. I miss my children every waking minute of every single day. No amount of time will take that pain away.
But I want to figure out a way to be better a mom to them even far away. I am tired of feeling left out of their lives. I am tired of feeling like an anonymous mom....
So, if anyone out there has ideas or suggestions or has been through this, maybe we can help each other out? I'm open to suggestions...
